The Pain In Her Heart
by ExLibris3
Summary: He was dead, and Kirsten is devastated. Something unexpected happens and Kirsten makes a decision, but when she changes her mind it's too late. Set after Caleb's death and after rehab
1. Don't Leave Me

Kirsten woke up… alone. Sandy had gone surfing, as usual.

She sighed, she missed him. She didn't like it when he was off surfing early in the mornings, she wanted to be able to sneak up against him and she wanted him to hold her, kiss her.

At leased they had the nights to spend together, like last night, when they had made love.

She got out of bed and got dressed, in a white long-sleved shirt and jeans.

It was Saturday, maybe she and Sandy could go out for dinner tonight, have a date. Kirsten thought that sounded like a good idea.

Sandy was out in the ocean, it was such a nice weather and the waves were high, almost too high. He thought that maybe he and Kirsten could go out on a date tonight. He was also thinking about how amazing she had been last night. He was in front of an enormous wave and his last thought before the wave collapsed over him and his world went dark was _'I love Kirsten more than anything'_

At the same time Kirsten was in the kitchen, she felt a sharp pain through her heart. She put a hand over her heart and breathed in slowly, trying to calm her self down. But she felt that something was wrong, she just hoped that Sandy was ok.

Kirsten was still in the kitchen when the phone called, she hoped it would be Sandy.

"Hello?" She answered. She didn't recognize the other voice.

"Hi. Mrs Cohen?" the voice said.

"Yes, that's me. What do you want?"

"I'm calling from the hospital. Is your husband Sandy Cohen?" the voice asked

Kirsten thought her heart were about to stop. He was ok, wasn't he?

"Yes. What is going on? Is he OK?"

"I'm afraid not, you might wanna come over here. He's been in a surfing accident"

Kirsten hung up, she couldn't take this. He couldn't be dead, or even close to….right?

The boys were in the living room, playing play station.

"Boys, we have to go to the hospital, it's your father" she said, almost crying.

Seth's face went pale, "Is he ok?" he whispered.

"I don't know, lets go" Kirsten said, heading out to the car with her sons right behind her.

"I'm looking for Sandy Cohen. I'm his wife" Kirsten said to receptionist at the hospital.

"Mr Cohen is in surgery but please sit down and wait, Dr Morris will keep you informed."

"Thank you"

After almost an hour of painful waiting, Dr Morris came out, he went straight to Kirsten.

"Mrs Cohen?"

"Yes" She got up on her feet, waiting anxiously.

"I am so sorry, but your husband didn't make it. We lost him" Dr Morris looked sadly at her, this was the most painful and worst part of this job, telling the family that their loved one was gone

Kirsten stared at him, not understanding a word of what he was saying. Suddenly, it hit her.

Sandy…He hadn't made it… He was dead…

She swayed back and forth, almost falling, the doctor catched her and called for a nurse to take care of her.

"Wait Dr!" Kirsten yelled when Dr Morris walked away, he turned around.

"Can I…Can I see him?" Tears streamed down her face as she spoke.

He looked at her, then nodded. " Let me just make him ready"

The nurse helped Kirsten sit down, Seth and Ryan had gone to get coffee and meet Summer and Marissa, so they didn't know. Kirsten was crying.

"Mum? What's wrong" Seth asked as he sat down beside her.

"He…he is…gone" Kirsten sobbed. Seth froze. No, his dad couldn't…not yet.

Marissa grabbed Ryan's hand as a tear rolled down his cheek. Kirsten hugged Seth tight, she cried even more, Seth was the last living memory of Sandy, besides his mum, but Kirsten had no intension of seeking comfort in her.

"What are we gonna do without him?" Seth whispered.

They stood/sat there in silence, the only sound was from their crying, until Dr Morris once again came out to announce that Kirsten could see Sandy now. She got up without a word, and followed the Dr to the room. She stopped in the doorway, looking at the person lying on the bed. Kirsten slowly walked in and suddenly she was standing by his side, looking down at her husband's dead face.

"Oh, Sandy!" she whispered. "Don't do this to me, don't leave me. What the hell am I going to do without you? I love you, I love you Sandy. Please come back to me" she found her self getting frustrated when he didn't answer. She touched his face, it was cold as ice. He was covered by a white blanket up till his chin.

"Sandy!" she yelled. "I can't live if you're not here. It's too soon" she lifted his head and hugged him tight, she smelled the saltwater in his hair, mixed with her salty tears streaming from her eyes. "Why couldn't you have stayed home this morning, with me?" she whispered in his ear.

"Mum" Seth's voice came floating from the doorway. Summer was standing beside him, holding his hand. Kirsten looked over at them, knowing that she had been in there long enough. She nodded slowly before turning back to her husband. She kissed him on his lips, their last kiss, and whispered "I love you" before putting him down again.

"It's my turn" Seth said, tears streaming down his face as he walked in. Kirsten walked towards him and out through the door, where she almost collapsed, but rescued by Summer.

"Come here, Mrs Cohen" she said, wrapping an arm around Kirsten's waist, trying to keep her on her feet.

"Thanks Summer. Call me Kirsten" Kirsten said weakly.

"Ok. Let's find the others, so you can sit down. Do you want anything?"

"I want Sandy" Kirsten whispered sadly. Summer pinched her self, what a stupid question to ask a woman who had just lost her husband.

Summer and Kirsten had almost made it to the waiting room where the others was sitting, when Kirsten couldn't take it anymore, she collapsed onto the floor.

"Kirsten!" Marissa and Ryan both screamed, hurrying to help her, along with two nurses.


	2. The Necklace

I hope that you believe in angels…This chapter is special

Kirsten was passed out. But she saw something. A light, then Sandy's face.

"Kirsten" he said. His voice sounded far away. "Can you hear me?"

"Yes, Sandy. I hear you" she whispered " Where am I?" she looked around, she was surrounded by white, dressed in a white dress, Sandy was in front of her, also in a white robe.

"You're not here to stay. You will return to your world very soon, but I have to tell you something" he almost looked like a God, so wise and old, but in a beautiful way. To Kirsten he had always been a God, but this was different.

"My world? No Sandy. My world doesn't exist without you, where is your world? Here?" Tears escaped when she spoke.

"No, we are in a place between our worlds. Kirsten, honey, just because we're not in the same world anymore doesn't mean I have left you. I am from now on your guardian angel and I'll always be watching over you, protect you, like I always have. Just in another way this time. But if you want to talk to me, if you need help with anything, hold onto something that makes you think of me, and whisper my name three times, and I'll appear for three minutes. But I have to warn you. You can't see me more than three times a month. If you try to summon me more than that, I'm not going to be aloud to be your angel anymore, witch means I will never see you again. You understand?"

She nodded. "I didn't even think guardian angels existed. But, I've read a guardian angel can't love the person they protect, it's against the rules, or do you not love me anymore?" she said quietly.

"I love you like crazy. And I know the rules, you're right." He said, she looked sadly at him.

"But, because you're my wife, or…was? I'm still a bit confused about that. Well, because of that I'm aloud to love you as much as I want. But, there are rules for that too. I can hug you and kiss you on the lips, but nothing more. Anyway, what can you do in three minutes?" he joked. She made a small, sad laugh.

"How did I get here now?" she was still confused about that, but the previous two hour had been nothing but a blur to her.

"When you where in the room with my body, you said my name three times. By the way, I heard everything you said to me, and I am so sorry I had to leave you. But this shows that our love is beyond death, when you die, I'll be here, angels can love the person they protect once they have died, without breaking any rules. But I don't want you to kill yourself." He said seriously.

"Why not? I have to be with you. I can't live without you, you heard me before" she cried.

"Right now you have to be with our boys, they need you. I have to send you back. You can see me two more times before the last day in this month. Then it starts over again. Three times every month…remember that. I don't want to lose you. I love you more than anything." He said and kissed her.

"Take this, so you know it's not a dream" he said, and placed a necklace in her hand, with a small angel on it. Wear this as often as you can, we're connected" he said and she saw that he had the same necklace.

"Ok. I love you Sandy. I'm still going to be miserable. I love you more than you could ever imagine" she suddenly smiled at him, before her world went dark, three minutes have passed.

Back at the hospital, Kirsten opened her eyes, she was lying on a bed, Marissa, Summer, Ryan, Seth and a nurse was looking down at her, worried. She groaned.

"Mom, are you ok?" Seth asked anxiously. She thought for a second, then she nodded slowly.

"What's that thing in your hand?" Summer asked, a chain came out from Kirsten's hand that was shut tight, it hadn't been there before.

Kirsten slowly opened her hand and reviled the necklace Sandy had given to her. It hadn't been a dream…

"Sandy…" she whispered


	3. Come Back To Me!

"Kirsten? Oh my god honey. I am so sorry" Julie rushed in to the room. Kirsten looked up at Julie, tears streaming from her eyes.

"Mum" Marissa said, she had heard Kirsten whisper Sandy's name, and she had no idea where the beautiful necklace came from.

"Ryan and I have said our good byes. Do you want to go home?" Seth asked his mother. She nodded slowly, and got out of the bed, before she did anything else, she put on the necklace. Ryan grabbed her arm, not wanting her to fall again.

He couldn't believe he was gone. The only real father he ever had. The only person who had given him a second chance. What was going to happen to the family now? Kirsten was destroyed, the humor in Seth's eyes had disappeared, and he felt totally empty. They finally got out of the hospital and in to the car. On the way home, Kirsten didn't say a word. When they entered the house, she walked straight to her bedroom and locked the door.

"This can't be happening" Seth murmured, he sat down on the couch, Summer was still with him, she wrapped her arms around him.

Ryan and Marissa was in the pool-house.

"I kinda understand your feelings, I mean, my dad has left, too. Twice, actually. And I told not to come back." Marissa tried. Ryan just nodded.

Kirsten was in their room, the crying was never going to stop. She knew she could see him 9 minutes a month, but what difference did it make? She needed him here twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year.

She was lying on her bed, hugging one of his Berkeley sweatshirts.

"Sandy. Sandy. Sandy" She whispered, she needed to talk to him, there was one thing she'd forgotten to ask him.

She saw a bright light in front of her, and he suddenly appeared. The light disappeared, and he looked like he used to, only he was dressed in the same white robe as earlier.

"Kirsten, hi again. Did you want to see me?" he asked. The sight of her husband like this made her cry even more, if that was possible.

"Honey, what's the matter? Come on, talk to me baby" he sat down on the bed next to her.

"Sandy, I can't do this without you!" she cried out.

In the living room, Summer and Seth heard Kirsten's scream. They looked at each other.

"Oh my god." Summer whispered. Seth wrapped his arms tighter around Summer, and he started to cry.

Back in the bedroom, Sandy wasn't surprise by her words, and he had an answer.

"Yes you can. I know it. You just have to…" he didn't got the chance to finish his sentence, before she yelled.

"Don't tell me what I can or can't do! And I don't have to do anything, I can't do anything, if you're not here" she freaked out completely and grabbed the book lying on her bedside table and threw it across the room.

"Kirsten, calm down! You can still see me, that must be better than not seeing me at all" he tried. She shook her head.

"Right, I can see you for nine minutes a month! That is not enough! I need you twenty four hours a day for the rest of my life!" she shouted this too, oblivious to the fact that Summer and Seth was down in the living room, hearing every word of it, so loud was she shouting.

Seth and Summer looked at each other, worried. Was Kirsten going crazy? At first they thought she just talked to herself, but what was this thing with 'see you for nine minutes a month'?

Now it was his time to shout. "Kirsten! You're not the only one hurting. I feel the same way as you do. Do you really think I haven't tried to change the rules so that I can see you more? Do you? I love you as much as you love me, but I have to stay focused, I have to do my job, and my job is to protect you. I know you're upset and I am too, but I try to control myself. And I need you to do that too!"

She looked at him in silence. "I'm sorry. I was just wondering, can I tell the boys, about this, about you?"

"Well, you're allowed to, but they can't see or hear me. I am only meant to be seen by you. I have tried to become their guardian angels too, but it's a little more complicated with Ryan than Seth, since Ryan isn't my biological son. But I'm trying, I am Seth's. But I can only see him for three minutes a month, witch sucks." He smiled. She smiled weakly back at him.

Seth thought he was going crazy too. Had he just heard his dad shouting at his mum? No that was impossible. He figured that it must have been in his mind.

"I'm sorry about what I said, it wasn't your fault. I just love you so much and I don't want to lose you" she cried again.

"You are never going to lose me. I'm going to watch over you every second until you die. I am always going to be with you, you can feel my presence. But I have to go now, remember, only one more time this month" She nodded and he kissed her, and then the white light came back, and he disappeared.

She closed her eyes and fell back onto the bed, now crying more than ever. But she smiled through her tears when she realised that she actually could feel his presence. In her imagination she saw him smile at her.


	4. Why?

The next morning Kirsten finally got out of the bedroom. Seth met her in the kitchen.

"Hey, mum." He said sadly.

"Hey Seth. I need to talk to you, about your father." She said. He looked up at her, surprised.

"What is it?" he sounded worried. "Mum, Summer and I heard you talking to yourself last night, or shouting, actually. It sounded really weird, almost like you were arguing with dad. And then I thought I heard him shouting back at you, but when I asked Summer about it, she hadn't heard a word"

"I know she didn't, but it makes sense that you did. Seth, I was talking to your father last night, and at the hospital, you know when I passed out" she leaned against the counter, aware of how insane this must sound. Seth just stared at her like she was crazy.

"What exactly do you mean with 'talking to him'?" he asked nervously.

"At the hospital, he told me that he had become my guardian angel, and that I could see him for three minutes three times a month, and when I got home, I was so upset so I summoned him again, and he told me that he had become your guardian angel too. And we discussed some other issues too, yes" she added when he was about to open his mouth to speak.

"Can I…can I see him too?" he said quietly.

"Yes, all you have to do is hold onto something that reminds you of him and whisper his name three times. I have to call the nana, she's gonna freak" tears had started to stream down her cheeks again.

"Thanks mum. Is he Ryan's guardian angel too?" Seth said. Kirsten shook her head.

"I'm gonna try and summon him" he said, picked up a bagel and walked towards his room. Kirsten picked up the phone and dialled a number.

"Hello Sophie, it's Kirsten" she said. "I know it seems a little crazy that I would call you, but there's something I need to tell you…"

Meanwhile, Seth was sitting in his room, holding on to the bagel and said "Sandy, Sandy, Sandy". He closed his eyes and when he opened them again, he saw a white light, then he saw Sandy standing in his room. He couldn't believe it, his dad was dead, but still here.

"Hello, son" Sandy smiled. Seth smiled back.

"Hey dad. Mum told me you are my guardian angel, and that I could see you" Seth explained.

"I know." He simply said.

"Are you Ryan's too?" Seth asked. Sandy shook his head sadly.

"Why not? Why just me and mum, but not him?"

"I can't. I've tried, but I can't." Sandy said and sat down on the bed beside Seth.

"He told me that he wants to make a speech at your funeral. That sounded weird, you know, _your _funeral." Seth looked so sad and vulnerable, so Sandy wrapped his arm around him. First, Seth became a bit shocked by this, but then he leaned against his father and started to cry. Sandy closed his eyes and said (with some difficulty) "When is my funeral?"

"Sunday" Seth sobbed.

"What time?"

"Eh, 1 pm I think. Why?" Seth looked up at his father

"I thought I might be there. But, it's something important I have to tell you. You can only see me one time a month. Only one, otherwise I can't see you any more. But the funeral is an exception, they always are, so that doesn't count. It's the same about your mom" he explained.

"Can mom see you one time a month too?" Seth asked. Sandy shook his head.

"No, three. I know it's unfair but those are the rules." He added quickly. Seth barely nodded. They sat in silence for a few seconds.

"Why?" Seth whispered. Sandy looked at him, he saw anger in his eyes. "Why did you have to die? Why did you leave us? We can't make it without you. Maybe I haven't said it but I love you, and I need you. WHY?" he shouted the last word, tears splashing down his cheeks.

"Trust me, I didn't want to die, but I had no choice. I love you too, son. As much as I love your mother and Ryan. You mean everything to me, and I'm still with you, even now when I'm dead." Sandy hugged his son. "I have to go now, but see you Sunday. Tell your mum I'll be there"

Seth nodded. The white light came back, and Sandy disappeared. Seth started to cry and fell back onto his bed, blinded by tears. He heard a faint knock on his door, it opened and Ryan's voice came floating in.

"Seth?" he walked in, saw Seth lying on his bed, eyes red. He sat back up. "Ryan, help me" he begged. Ryan didn't know what to do, so he sat down beside Seth. They looked at each other.

"Why?" Seth whispered.

"Your mum is being comforted by Julie, she is devastated." Ryan said, trying to ignore what Seth had just said.

"I miss him" Seth cried and leaned against Ryan. Ryan wrapped his arms around Seth, and silently started to cry. They sat like that for a long time. Two brothers who had just lost their father.

Down stairs, Kirsten and Julie sat in the same position, crying. Two women, and one had just lost her husband


	5. The Funeral

It was Sunday. It was soon the funeral. Kirsten was sitting by the table in her bedroom. She didn't want to go. She didn't want to say good bye to him. She cried, as usual. The past few days she had done nothing but cry.

She heard a faint knock on the door and Seth came in.

"We must leave now, mum" He was sad, but was trying to be strong, for his mother. He hated to see her sad. When he had been a kid, if his mum were crying for some reason, maybe after a fight with Caleb, all he had to do was to go up to her and hug her, then he sat down on her lap. That always made her smile. That didn't work now.

"I can't." she whispered. He looked at her.

"Please, mum. He is gonna be there. Dad. He told me when I saw him. You can see him," Seth said. Kirsten finally looked at her son.

"Is he gonna be there? I still don't know, I can't just go and accept that he is really gone"

Seth nodded. "Come now, mum. It won't be like that, you can still see him, you know that." He walked towards her and held out his hand. She looked at it before grabbing it. She got to her feet and they started to walk to the car.

"Thanks. I love you Seth" she said when they were walking down the stairs.

"I love you too, mum" was the response he gave her. She still didn't smile.

Ryan was already waiting in the car. He drove, and thought about Sandy; the only real father he had ever had. He was going over his speech in his head one more time, he'd been up very late last night to make sure it was good enough.

They arrived to the church, Julie was waiting for them. She was also very sad, Sandy had been a good man, he hadn't deserved to die so young. She saw the Cohen's walking towards her. Poor Kirsten! She was wearing a black dress and she looked down onto the ground.

They met up with Julie, Kirsten looked at her friend, then hugged her. Julie responded, holding Kirsten tight, she whispered "I'm so sorry". Kirsten barely nodded.

Neither she nor Seth had noticed that Sandy was watching them from behind, as opposed to earlier he was now wearing black. Black shirt, black tie, black pants and a black jacket.

It hurt to see them all so sad, even Julie was close to tears, his wife was already crying.

And Ryan! Now he had lost two fathers. Poor kid! He watched them as they walked into the church. He followed.

It was time for Ryan's speech. He got up and stood in front of all the people in the church.

Seth was holding Kirsten's hand, they were both crying, Julie sat on the other side of Kirsten, also crying.

Ryan began to speak. "Two years ago, my brother and I stole a car, the police caught us. He was over eighteen, so he ended up in jail, I was underage. I met my new lawyer, Sandy Cohen. First I thought that he was like all the other adults, you know. Trying to help cause it is their job. But when my mum picked me up, he gave me his number, said I should call him if I needed to talk. When we got home, mum kicked me out, she was pissed off and drunk. I called Sandy and he picked me up. He let me stay in his home, and after a little time involving a visit in juvie and a visit from my mum, the Cohen's agreed to let me stay, they became my guardians. All that, because Sandy believed that I wasn't a felon, when everybody else did. My real dad is in jail, and he wasn't so much for the dad thing. Sandy became the father I never had." He took a breath and looked at Kirsten, she was playing with her wedding rings while listening to him, tears were running fast down her cheeks.

"He was a great man, always trying to do the right thing. He only did one awful thing in his life, that was dying. He will not soon be forgotten. Thanks for listening" Ryan was now crying silently, he went back to his seat next to a crying Marissa. She took his hand.

Sandy was standing right next to the entrance doors, he had heard everything. Tears slipped out from under his eyelids.

A couple of men, including Seth and Ryan, carried Sandy's coffin. Kirsten was once again crying in Julie's arms.

Half an hour later, Ryan, Seth, Summer, Marissa, Julie and Kirsten were standing in the beautiful garden outside the church.

"I could have stopped this from happening" Kirsten said sadly.

"What do you mean? It wasn't your fault." Julie said.

"He loved the ocean. I wonder just how many times he tried to get me into the water. But he loved me too. If I had asked him not to go surfing that…that day, he would have listened to me, he would have stayed home to keep me company. But I didn't! I knew how much he wanted to go to the beach. I just wish he had known how much I wanted him to stay. Can you imagine just how much I regret I didn't told him!" her voice shook, tears streaming more than ever.

She looked up, her gaze fell to left of a big tree, right were Sandy was standing. She could tell by the look on his face that he had heard her. She stared at him, Seth looked in the same direction, and saw him too.

Sandy couldn't believe that Kirsten was putting this upon herself! It was his fault. He knew the waves were dangerously high, still he decided to get out, only he never came back alive.

He needed to talk to her. He waved at her to come over to him. But Julie said something and all of them walked off towards the car. He sighed. Then he saw her. Coming right towards him, she didn't look happy.

"Hey honey" he smiled.

"Hey Sandy" was the short answer he got.

"I heard what you said, and it wasn't your fault. It was an accident". She looked into his eyes.

"You're right" she said. "It wasn't my fault. It was yours"


	6. The Pain In Her Heart

Sandy stared at her in disbelief. He didn't want her to blame herself, but instead she blamed him?

Kirsten stood there, looking angrily at him, thinking of what she had just said, and immediately regretted it. It hadn't been his fault, it had been, like he said, an accident. But she couldn't take it back now, it was too late, the words were already out of her mouth. The angry look on her face got a bit milder. Then, she simply turned round and walked off towards the car, she looked back at him, she saw a tear rolling down his cheek. She stopped, hesitated, she desperately wanted to go back to him and hug him, say that she was sorry. But she didn't. Instead, she kept walking towards the car where Seth was waiting. He held the door open for her to get into the car. She climbed into it and Seth after her, and they drove off. Kirsten looked back towards the tree one last time, but Sandy was gone. She cried. She cried loudly all the way home.

Summer and Marissa stayed at the Cohen's over the night. Kirsten had locked herself in her bedroom. It was dinnertime and Summer and Marissa had been out to pick up some pizzas.

"Dinner's ready" Marissa said as she entered the kitchen. She looked around. "Do you think Kirsten want some? I'll go ask her, just in case" she said and walked off towards Kirsten's bedroom.

Kirsten was lying on the bed with an unopened bottle of vodka standing on her bedside table.

She heard a knock on the door. She sighed, she knew what they were going to ask and she wasn't hungry. No, actually, she was starving. But she just couldn't eat, the thought made her feel sick.

The door slowly opened and Marissa showed up in the doorway.

"Hey Kirsten. I thought you might be hungry." Marissa said. Kirsten shook her head.

Marissa noticed the bottle of vodka.

"Have you been drinking?" Marissa looked worried as she asked this question.

"Not yet" was the short answer she got out of Kirsten through her crying.

"Oh, honey." Marissa said as she quickly walked over to Kirsten and sat down next to her on the bed. Kirsten sat up too and let Marissa hug her.

"I miss him, I miss him so much" Kirsten sobbed.

"I know, me too" Marissa answered as she rubbed Kirsten's back.

Sandy was standing in the doorway, he had been sent there to solve his problems with Kirsten, if he didn't, he wouldn't get to be her guardian angel any more. And he didn't want to lose her. He saw her lying in Marissa's arms.

"Marissa, can I trust you with something?" Kirsten suddenly asked and sat up straight.

"Sure, I can keep a secret" Marissa answered, slightly confused, wondering what she was about to hear.

"Sandy is my guardian angel, and I can see him if I want to, but only nine minutes a month. Today he was at the funeral, and he had heard what I said about his death being my fault. So when I said that I had forgotten my sunglasses in the church, I went to speak to him. He told me that his death wasn't my fault, and I said that he was right. It hadn't been my fault, it had been his. So I accused him for being responsible for his own death!"

"Ok, so he's an angel now?" Marissa asked, she wasn't sure what to believe. Kirsten saw that Marissa didn't quite believe her, but she needed her to believe that it was true.

"Yes, he is. Seth can see him too. Please, Marissa you have to believe me!" Kirsten begged.

"I believe you…wait, when you passed out in the hospital, did you….I mean, did you meet him? Cause I heard you whisper his name when you woke up, and you had that beautiful necklace in your hand." Marissa suddenly realized. Kirsten nodded.

"Yeah, he gave it to me as a sign to proof that it hadn't been a dream" Kirsten explained.

Sandy was still listening from the door.

"Marissa, what am I going to do? I have to talk to him, but if I summon him, I can't see him again until next month!" Kirsten cried.

Before Marissa could say anything, Sandy knocked on the doorframe. Kirsten looked up and saw him.

"Sandy" she whispered. Marissa turned around, but she didn't see him of course. She realized how stupid it must have looked.

"Is he there?" Marissa asked. Kirsten nodded. Marissa got up from the bed.

"Then I'll let you two talk. There's food downstairs if you get hungry later" she said as she walked towards the door. Since she couldn't see Sandy, she walked right through him, but of course she didn't notice. Although, Sandy did. It felt like walking through a cold shower. He shivered. It had looked weird from Kirsten's point of view too. She saw Sandy as a normal human, solid and real. And it was scary when she saw Marissa walk right through him. Marissa disappeared and Sandy walked over to her.

"That felt…weird." He simply said as he sat down beside her.

"What are you doing here? I didn't summon you…" Kirsten was confused, how could he be here?

"I know you didn't. They sent me here to work things out with you. You see, I'm not allowed to be you guardian angel if we are in a fight. So, what are we fighting about?" he said, remembering the Valentines Day two years ago when he had asked her the same question.

"I don't know. But I guess it serious…I don't know." She was confused, what were they really fighting about? All she could think about was the cause of his death, but was that really that serious? She had no idea.

"Well, they told me that we have to talk about how I died." He said. She looked at him.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said what I said. It wasn't your fault or mine." She apologised.

He took her hand in his, trying to remember what had really happened that faithful morning. He remembered when he woke up, his first thought was to stay home with Kirsten, then he looked out through the windows, he saw that it was a beautiful day. He was torn between staying home or go surfing. Finally, the ocean won. That was a decision he deeply regretted. By holding hands, they shared thoughts, she saw his memories as clear as he did. It was a strange feeling, but she felt more connected to him than ever. It felt…nice, powerful…magic.

They remembered together.

When he had been out in the ocean, the waves had simply collapsed over him, he was hit in the head with his surfboard and passed out. Kirsten felt the same pain he had felt, Sandy felt Kirsten's pain when she had found out that he was dead.

The pain suddenly stopped, and they sat there, looking at each other, both knowing what the other were about to say. But she was the one that broke the silence.

"I'm sorry." She simply said. He nodded. "I'm sorry too"

She leaned her head against his chest.

"I think we understand what the other has gone through now" Sandy couldn't help saying.

"Yeah" was all she said to this. They were silent for a while, then she said "You know, I fell that pain all the time, and it won't stop until I die, when I can be with you"

"Well, I would feel the same if I was left alone, not able to see you more than 9 minutes a month" he said.

"So, you don't feel any pain being without me up there, but you would if you were down here?" Kirsten questioned, hoping that was not the truth.

"No, I feel pain, not as great as yours, but that's because I always see you, I always feel your presence. But the pain is always there too" Sandy leaned in and kissed her softly. "They're calling for me, I have to go. I see you soon, my darling. I love you so much" he stood up. She looked sadly up at him.

"I love you more." Was her answer. Sandy smiled at her.

"Wanna bet?" he stroked her hair, then he faded into a white light, then it disappeared.

Kirsten was left alone, she looked over at the bottle of vodka, reached for it, opened it and took a sip. Then she started to cry again. And she drank more.


	7. My Immortal

This chapter is Kirsten's thoughts. There is also a song lyric cause I thought it fitted so well with her thoughts. The lyrics are from Evanescence's My Immortal.

'_I'm so tired of being here…'_

She really was tired of being here, she was so alone. She couldn't talk to her kids, that was too hard, she couldn't talk to Sandy, cause he was dead. _He was dead._ Kirsten felt sick at that thought. She had been talking to Marissa, once. But the girl had her own problems to deal with, she didn't have to listen to Kirsten's too. Julie had recommended therapy, but Kirsten refused, she had spent the entire summer at a rehab centre for alcohol abuse, she couldn't deal with therapists again. No, she was left alone, and she was tired of it.

'_And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, cause your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone'_

She also thought it was hard to only see Sandy nine minutes a month, it made it so hard for her to forget him. But did she really want to get over him? Truth be told, either she wanted him there, always and forever, or she wished she never met him, cause it is harder to live without him after twenty years together.

'_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase'_

She had deep wounds in her heart that was never going to heal. She was bleeding on the inside. The pain she felt, was almost unbearable. She had made Sandy a promise after rehab, she was never going to be addicted to alcohol again. She had just broken her promise, she stared at the half-full bottle of vodka in front of her. The pain of his death was nothing time ever would be able to heal.

'_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, I held your hand through all of these years, but you still have…all of me'_

She felt the tears running down her cheeks. She remembered all the times she had cried, Sandy always used to go up to her and wipe her tears away, he said something comfortable that instantly made her feel better. She was the one he cared about. Was she afraid? He would protect her from all evil, no doubt. He could make her feel better only to hold her hand.

'_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind, your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams, your voice it chased away, all the sanity in me'_

Every night since his death she had been dreaming about him, she saw his face smiling at her and telling her everything was going to be fine. How the hell could it be fine if he wasn't here? When she had spoken to him, and he told her not to commit suicide, she was nearly going insane. She would have no problem to kill herself only if that meant being with him, but then she would be leaving her boys, too. Why did everything have to be hard?

'_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, but though you're still with me, I've been along all along'_

She still couldn't believe that he was dead, not Sandy Cohen, not her husband. But after all, he was still there, in the shape of an angel. She thought that no one was better fitted to be an angel than Sandy, but when she had imagined him as an angel, she had been standing by his side as, like Sandy would have put it, his beautiful angelic wife. In a way he was still with her, but she was so damn lonely. She reached out for the bottle of vodka.

Please tell me what you think! It is pretty short, but next chapter will come up asap!


	8. Goodbye

_**One week later**_

_She had to make a decision, but how? She knew what she needed to do to be able to move on, but that wasn't what her heart wanted. She had made up her mind, she knew she would regret it, but it would be for the best._

She woke up late; she hadn't been able to fall asleep until 3. She took a trip down to the kitchen and met Seth and Ryan. Neither of them was speaking. She poured herself a cup of coffee and went back upstairs. She was still in her pyjama when she sat down on the bed and took up a photograph of her and Sandy together.

"Sandy, Sandy…"she hesitated, could she really do this? "Sandy" she whispered at last.

The white light came and went, and there stood Sandy. She cried at the sight of her husband. He frowned.

"Kirsten? What's wrong honey?" he asked as he sat down beside her. She leaned against his chest and continued to cry. He held her tight.

"You know this is the last time you can see me this month" he whispered as she pulled away from him.

"I'm so sorry Sandy. I'm so sorry. I - I can't…I can't do…this" she said as tears ran fast down her face. Sandy didn't understand.

"What do you mean…?" he stopped, suddenly having a clue of what she meant. "No, you don't mean…" he started but was unable to finish the sentence. She nodded sadly.

"Sandy I'm so sorry, but I can't keep seeing you like this. I can't have you being my guardian angel anymore. You're…you're dead…and you just make it harder" she looked away; she couldn't stand to see the tears that were forming in his eyes.

"Harder? But how?" the question left his lips as a whisper, barely hearable.

"Because.." she closed her eyes and opened them again. "Because I can't move on if I keep seeing you. Cause I try so hard to let you go, and whenever I move just a bit forward I think that I still can see you, so I don't want to move on cause I need you. And whenever I see you, it's so hard when you have to leave. It would be…easier if I could just move on, try to put the past behind me. But that doesn't mean I will forget you, cause I never could…" she said sadly. " I will never forget you. I will never…I will never…" she repeated crying and leaned against his chest again.

He held her close to him, crying silently as he said "If that's what you want, I can't stop you. You know I'll do anything for you, even if it breaks my heart. Are you sure you want this?" he wanted her to realize that this wasn't the solution; although deep inside him he knew that this was the only way for her to move on. When he had been offered to be his wife's guardian angel, his first thought was that a problem like this would come up, but his love for Kirsten was so strong that he didn't want to lose her.

"I don't want this, but I need this. Sandy I will always love you." She said quietly. He stood up and brought her with him. They stood so they were facing each other; he took her hands in his.

"Ok. I'll take care of it. So I guess this is the end… But we'll meet when you die, I'll be waiting…" he said as the tears ran down his cheeks. She used her thumb to wipe them away.

Neither of them spoke. Kirsten leaned in and kissed him passionately with their arms wrapped around each other. Sandy was the first one to break apart. She could tell from the look on his face that the time was almost up. They quickly got back to holding hands again.

"Kirsten, I love you so much. I'll always think about you, you're my everything, my heart and soul, the light of my life. You're the _love_ of my life"

"Sandy, since the day I met you I have been the luckiest person in the world. Everything you just said about me, I feel the same way about you. I'll love you forever. You have always been my angel. I love you so much…so much"

When they had said their goodbyes, he leaned in and kissed her one last time. His lips left hers and he backed away from her, their hand losing each other. They looked at each other, both of them were crying. She blew him a kiss and he smiled at her. The white light came, and he was gone. She put her hand to her mouth to stop herself from screaming out loud. She sank back onto the bed, unable to believe what she had just done. She had lost him, and it was her own fault, she knew that. She grabbed the book lying on her bedside table, the same book she had thrown the first time she had summoned Sandy, then she had been mad at him, now she was mad at herself.

_**Crash**_

She stared at the shattered mirror and the pieces of glass on the floor. '_I shattered the mirror'_

"Kirsten?" she heard Julie's voice say. Kirsten didn't turn around; she didn't want to see the look on Julie's face, the eyes that were full of sadness and shock. "What happened?" she whispered as she stared at the broken glass.

"I –I'm not felling well" Kirsten said as she touched her forehead. Kirsten's world was spinning, she fell down into darkness.

"**_Kirsten!"_** Julie screamed and ran towards her, but she wasn't quick enough. Kirsten fell forwards and her head hit the floor with a loud thump. Julie fell to her knees next to her body.

"Kirsten! Wake up! Come on sweetie!" Julie screamed as she tried to move Kirsten so she could see her face. Kirsten's eyes were closed and her cheeks were wet from crying, her chest moved, but only just…

Julie heard people running up the stairs and seconds later Seth and Ryan entered the room, followed by Marissa and Summer.

"Mom, no!" Seth shouted as he rushed forward and pushed Julie aside so he could sit next to his mother. "Somebody call 911!" he yelled as he searched for her pulse. He found it, it was weak. "What the hell! Call 911 before it's too late!"

Ryan quickly took out his cell phone and started to deal the number.

"We need an ambulance here quick. It's my mother, she's lying lifeless on the floor, and her pulse is weak." Ryan told them the address and then he hung up. "They're one their way" he announced to the others.

Seth reached for a blanket and put it over his mother.

"You're going to be ok mum, I promise. You're going to be ok…everything will be ok." He whispered as he stroke her hair.

Minutes later they heard the ambulance coming, Julie hurried down to meet them and to tell them where Kirsten was. The men hurried up the stairs and together the got Kirsten into the ambulance. Seth wanted to go with her, the others stood outside the Cohen's house and watched the ambulance drive off before they got into their own cars to drive to the hospital. They were all praying Kirsten would be ok, they couldn't deal with another death…


	9. Left Alone

Kirsten was in the hospital. The doctors were doing everything they could, but since they didn't have a clue about what caused all this, they didn't really know what to do. Kirsten's life was slipping away, so much they knew.

"We're losing her!" one of the doctors screamed.

Kirsten was surrounded by white once again. She was alone and she was scared, where was Sandy? She had a feeling he would show up. Someone tapped her shoulder and she quickly turned around only to see her father.

"Dad!" she said surprised. He smiled at her, "Hello Kiki"

"Dad what's going on? What am I doing here? Am I dead?" she had so many questions, and Caleb put up his hand to stop her.

"No, it's not your time yet. You are lovesick." He explained.

"I am what?" she asked confused, what the hell did he mean?

"Your love for Sandy is killing you. But you're not ready to die yet, there is still so much left for you to do. You need to take care of your sons and future grandkids." Caleb said.

"Before his death I didn't know love could kill you, but now I understand. The pain, the feelings, the guilt. I brought this upon myself right? I regret what I did, I really do. Can't Sandy fix this, somehow?" she had started to cry again. Caleb had never like his daughter being with Sandy, but now when he knew how much she loved him and cared about him, he hated himself for having been the world's biggest ass towards the man.

"I just talked to him, he wanted me to tell you that…" he remembered what Sandy had told him, and he knew he had to say this.

"Tell me what?" she urged him, desperately wanting to know what Sandy had come up with.

"Tell you that he still is you guardian angel, though you can't see him no matter how hard you try to summon him. But he thought that if you knew he is still watching over you, protecting you, it would help you move on" Caleb said, feeling a little guilty when he said it.

Back at the hospital, the screen now showed a flat line, the doctors tried their hardest to bring her back…

"You have to return to your body before it's too late. I love you Kiki" Caleb said as he grabbed her shoulders and kissed her forehead, then she disappeared. Caleb stood there alone before he looked up and saw Sandy appear in front of him.

"How did it go? Did she buy it?" Sandy said sadly and Caleb nodded.

Kirsten suddenly came back to life, the doctors couldn't believe it, but she was still weak, but the worst was over.

Out in the waiting room, Seth wasn't sitting with the others. Summer decided to go over to him, but she quickly came back.

"He told me to leave him alone. Poor thing, I hope she will be ok" Summer said sadly. A doctor came walking towards them.

"Kirsten Cohen's family?" he asked and they nodded, when Seth heard his mother's name, he hurried out of his chair and ran to the doctor.

"Is she ok?" he asked with a voice full of concern. The doctor didn't smile.

"The worst is past, she's asleep and very weak. We still have no idea what caused all this, it seems like some kind of shock." The doctor explained and Julie moved closer to him.

"Kirsten has lost her husband recently, do you think it has something to do with that?" Julie asked quietly. The doctor frowned.

"Well…it's possible, but I've never heard of it before" It started to beep from his pocket and he excused himself and left to go check on a patient.

Summer put her arms around Seth's waist. "She's going to be ok" she whispered over and over again as he wrapped his arms around her and cried. Ryan turned away from the heartbreaking scene. He said he was going to get some coffee and disappeared down the hallway. Marissa looked at Summer and Seth before hurrying after Ryan. She slid her hand into his and he looked at her thankfully. They kept walking in silence.

Julie sat down, she sat there alone, Summer and Seth was still standing up and she was all alone. Julie thought back on her life. First she'd lost Jimmy, the one man she really loved, then Caleb, she hadn't really _really _loved him, but she hadn't hated him either. She thought about what he had said that night by the pool.

"_I really did love you, Juju" he had said._

"_Ooh, past time that stinks" she had answered._

"_Sorry, grammatical error" _

Then Sandy had died, maybe they didn't always get along, but he was a great man. But she couldn't stand losing Kirsten, the one woman that had been there for her, she was the closest of having a friend Julie had ever had in Newport, but she had no idea how Kirsten felt about her.

"Mom, coffee?" Julie snapped out of her thoughts when she heard her daughter's voice. "Mom? Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you" Julie said and took the coffee Marissa handed her. She looked around, Summer and Seth were now sitting down, Seth was resting his head on Summer's shoulder and he was still crying. She looked at him and tried to understand what he had gone through, she stopped herself, she didn't want to know, couldn't stand to think about it. A single teardrop found its way down Julie's cheek.

Kirsten slowly opened her eyes; the first thing she saw was a white light. _'Am I dead?',_ she thought, then something came between her and the light, she blinked and saw a doctor leaning over her.

"Welcome back Mrs Cohen" the doctor smiled. "How are you feeling?"

Kirsten opened her mouth to talk, her lips moved but there was no sound, she coughed.

"I'm sorry, I'll get you some water." The doctor said and hurried away and came back with a glass of cold water. He helped her to sit up so she could drink it.

"Thank you" she said in a raspy voice.

"Do you need anything?" he asked. She thought for a second

"I need to see my son. Can you go and get him?" she whispered. The doctor hesitated, he thought she was still too weak for visitors, but the look in her eyes told him he didn't have a choice, so he told her to wait a second and he walked out to get her son.

Ryan saw a doctor coming towards them; it was the same doctor as earlier.

"Kirsten Cohen's son?" he asked and Seth immediately looked up "Yes?" he said.

"Your mother wants to see you. Come with me" the doctor said and started to walk, and Seth hurried after. They reached Kirsten's room and the doctor opened the door for Seth to enter, he shouts the door, knowing Kirsten wanted a moment alone with her son.

"Mom, how are you?" Seth said weakly, Kirsten looked at him and smiled.

"I'm ok" she said and took his hand.

"What happened?" he asked and looked down on his shoes. Kirsten thought for a second, then she said teary "Can't you at least look me in the eye?"

Seth's gaze moved slowly from the floor and found his mother's eyes; they looked at each other, both with tears in their eyes.

"I can no longer see your father. I told him he can't be my guardian angel anymore, cause I couldn't stand to see him. Don't get me wrong, it was just so hard. But I just found out he still is my guardian angel, though I can't see him" she said and her free hand moved up to her throat, where she knew the angel necklace would be, but all she felt was her own cold skin. She looked at the bedside table, where the doctors had put her earrings, of course they had taken off her jewellery when they tried to bring her back, but the necklace wasn't there.

Then it hit her, she felt like an ice cold hand crushed her heart. If she didn't have the necklace anymore…she realized it had been a lie; Sandy was no longer her guardian angel. He had abandoned her, lied to her, and broken her heart.


End file.
